All of us are lost until we are found, but most of us never find ourselves. Life is a, well, lifelong journey of expression and discovery, pain and despair, love, loss, anger, confusion. We all seem to be falling endlessly down (or up) this iconic rabbit hole and sometimes it feels like no matter which direction we reach in, we can’t seem to find a surface to grab on to. I’ve been finding lately that when you make a conscious decision to start digging- really digging- inside of yourself, sometimes you can be astonished, terrified, and liberated by what you might find. And sometimes you find a hidden person; maybe it is your child self, the self you wish to be, or even the self you have always been too scared of to let into the light.
Recently I’ve been coming to terms with the notion that if I ever want to really understand myself and why I am the way I am, I have to do the hard work to uncover my darkest memories, my deepest desires, and stare directly into the side of me I have always been too ashamed of to acknowledge. When you suddenly find yourself standing face to face with your greatest fears, part of you wants to run as far away and as fast as possible, but the other is paralyzed in fear and curiosity, and I’m beginning to believe that just because what you see might be broken, damaged, or torn, it is the withered part, the warped side of yourself, that can show you the most beautiful secrets in life. This little piece of writing kind of fell from my soul and onto the paper through my fingertips, and without intending to, gave me yet another little peek at the person hiding behind my eyes. Thanks to Emmy for letting me bogart her blog for an afternoon, I hope you enjoy!
The Looking Glass
I wonder, do you know who I really am? Can you see the darkness in my eyes like I can see in yours? Can you see how deep it goes? Because I see you; glorious, with wings black like the beetle. Under the peach of your skin I see the hot blood pumping, I can hear your heart beat too fast. I see you, Monster. Do you see me? Am I a mirror into the depths of your own well? I see each crease in your flesh like the rings in the trunk of a fallen tree, do you see my markings- the scars from touching too many flames? Are we equals or have we concocted this lie out of dried petals from the Autumns Crocus, spools of silver, the whispers of Cetus from beneath the waves...Again I ask- do you know how far this goes? Have you thrown the pebble and heard it's echo? I have danced with heavy feet naked against the cracked earth and watched my blood turn to mud as we became one with sacrifice. I find solace in the silence that fills the wake where breath should be, and in the dwindling of the spark in an eye. Are you afraid, Monster? Would you hide from my lips, teeth barred? Will you shrivel up in a grey cloud of smoke or will you turn to stone when I unleash? Are you afraid yet, Monster, he who is I? Do you see me now?
I wonder, do you know who I really am? Can you see the darkness in my eyes like I can see in yours? Can you see how deep it goes? Because I see you; glorious, with wings black like the beetle. Under the peach of your skin I see the hot blood pumping, I can hear your heart beat too fast. I see you, Monster. Do you see me? Am I a mirror into the depths of your own well? I see each crease in your flesh like the rings in the trunk of a fallen tree, do you see my markings- the scars from touching too many flames? Are we equals or have we concocted this lie out of dried petals from the Autumns Crocus, spools of silver, the whispers of Cetus from beneath the waves...Again I ask- do you know how far this goes? Have you thrown the pebble and heard it's echo? I have danced with heavy feet naked against the cracked earth and watched my blood turn to mud as we became one with sacrifice. I find solace in the silence that fills the wake where breath should be, and in the dwindling of the spark in an eye. Are you afraid, Monster? Would you hide from my lips, teeth barred? Will you shrivel up in a grey cloud of smoke or will you turn to stone when I unleash? Are you afraid yet, Monster, he who is I? Do you see me now?
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