I fiddlefaddled around for quite a while trying to figure out what to write about, and then I was way too covered in caramel and had to just think about it instead. Eventually I had the idea of an educated asshole ruining a nice thing, and thus came everything else. It's been my first true voyage into the world of dialogue, and I don't think I did too bad considering. My professor thought it was AMAZING, but, you know. She thinks Kirk was the better captain, so we won't try to listen to her too much. I had a hard time trying to come up with character names, which always seems like the worst part of writing anything. I've got a pretty lengthy story that I will post here eventually wherein I just call the main characters "him" and "her". I thought about calling these two Wayne and Wanda (obscure reference) and I thought about Jessica and Chester (even more obscure reference) and I thought about calling the girl Eugene before I realized that's a boy's name, and I couldn't call her Eugenie because then she'd have to wear a stupid hat (British wedding reference). So I kind of compromised.
Then I sent it to Kiki for some finishing touches, some slight dialogue clean-up, and the addition of a joke that ended up being one of my favorite bits in the whole thing. So I didn't feel right posting it here without acknowledging his input, even though I turned it in and got a grade without doing so. Raise a glass of champers for that kid, everybody. Also I changed the format just a smidge so it wouldn't be so annoying to read in a blog.
Enjoy. Or don't. And bite me.
Pedantic Love
Place: A church, any college town in America.
Time: June, 2011
Characters:
Evelyn – late 20’s, pretty, highly educated and outspoken
Chester – also late 20’s, getting married to Evelyn, nervous about wedding
Father Wayne – Catholic Priest, mid 30’s, dry sense of humor
Setting: The front of a Catholic church. Evelyn and Chester stand in front of an altar, Father Wayne stands behind it, officiating the wedding. We don’t see the wedding attendees, whenever E or C gesture to a family member, they point out to the audience.
FATHER WAYNE
Do you, Chester Stevens, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, until death do you part?
CHESTER
(nervous but smiling)
I do.
FATHER WAYNE
Do you, Evelyn Carter, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love, cherish and obey, until death do you part?
EVELYN
(VERY nervous, fidgety hands)
Oh god, I don’t know. I mean…
CHESTER
(interrupting)
Oh for fuck’s sake, NOW?
EVELYN
I just don’t know about all of this “honor AND obey” business. Did you notice how he didn’t ask if you would obey me? It’s just another example of how the patriarchal society continues to oppress women by making them feel as if they need to “obey” the men, like we’re slaves!
CHESTER
Good lord, you’ve gone all HuffPo on me, haven’t you?
(Chester puts his head in his hands)
EVELYN
I’ve gone beyond the Huffington Post, Chess, I’ve gone full-out Jezebel. And you know it’s extraordinarily demeaning when you act like I don’t have a right to be upset about these things. You act like the rapes in the Congo aren’t actually happening, or that women aren’t STILL making less at their jobs. Just because I want to fight for our rights you call me a “Femi-Nazi”. Because apparently if I want to be able to vote, now I’m like Hitler!
FATHER WAYNE
Godwin’s Law…
EVELYN & CHESTER
(turn to Father Wayne, say in sync)
Oh shut up!
FATHER WAYNE
(looks down)
…sorry…
CHESTER
That’s all fine Evie, but why now? Are you sure this is the time and place, I mean, my father is a big part of this right-wing white-male thing that you’re always ranting against, and he looks PISSED. Why are you bringing all of this up NOW?
EVELYN
Baby, I’ve done all of the things your parents wanted me to do. I got the big white dress that’s supposed to symbolize virginity even though…
(Chester shakes head emphatically)
…and I got the flowers, and we got the big cake even though you KNOW I don’t eat refined sugar, and I’ve done all of this bourgeois filiopietism…
CHESTER
I don’t even know what that means.
EVELYN
Traditional, honey.
CHESTER
Tradititonal?! Look around you Evie! If it was traditional we’d have a wedding party, instead of standing up here by ourselves!
EVELYN
It’s absurdly barbarian and old-fashioned and cruel to make two people have to chose amongst their friends…
CHESTER
(interrupting, angry, yelling)
You just say that because you don’t have any friends!
EVELYN
(rage-face)
WHAT?
(pause of silence)
FATHER WAYNE
So if there are no objections…
EVELYN & CHESTER
(turn to Father Wayne, say in sync)
SHUT UP!
CHESTER
Look, all of these pre-made vows don’t really say what I want to say anyway. I will love and cherish you, and I’ll listen to your nonsensical rants against society, and I’ll do the dishes when you’re too busy writing letters to your congressman to remember that we need forks. I want to be an old man listening to your tirades. I’m going to adore every thing you do for the rest of my life, you stupid cow.
FATHER WAYNE
That was almost really sweet.
EVELYN
(grinning, calm)
(to Father Wayne)
Shut the hell up.
(to Chester)
That was insanely sweet. I love you too. I’m sorry, please, let’s continue.
FATHER WAYNE
Thank you, Jesus.
EVELYN
Although the Catholic Church HAS been making gold off of the blood, sweat and tears of the downtrodden for thousands of years, and don’t even get me started on contraception…
(Father Wayne shakes his head)
CHESTER
(interrupting)
Just say I do, honey.
EVELYN
Oh, right. I do.
FATHER WAYNE
(sigh of relief)
I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.
(Chester and Evelyn kiss, while Father Wayne checks his watch and wipes his forehead)
I do love me some champagne,
ReplyDeletebut not right now.
I'm UBER hungover.
<3
You know what helps hangovers?
ReplyDeleteChampagne toasts to your editing prowess.