Cranky

So due to a series of fuckups, some of which are mine, I'll readily admit to that, I haven't gotten my hormone suppression shot that I need for all my ladypart problems.  I've been taking this shot for maybe 5 years now, and because I don't have it, my body is being flooded with all these hormones I haven't had in my system for a long long time.  Which has basically turned me into a 14 year old girl.  I cry all the time, I'm a total rageaholic, I get my feelings hurt at everything.  It's like puberty plus PMS plus an unstable person to begin with.  I am a dangerous scary woman with hormones.  I've been trying to think of an all-natural way to supress my hormones, but there isn't really an anti-edamame.  Anti-soy milk.  Whatever.  Basically I'm playing a lot of violent videogames and crying and trying to avoid unnecessary social interactions.  So not a whole lot different I guess.

In an attempt to alleviate some of this rage, I asked for advice, and got a whole lot of people telling me to exercise.  But I'm a lazy fuck, so I tried to write about it instead.  What came out was disjointed and nonsensical and somewhat serial killer manifesto-y.  I sent it to my darling darling Kiki, and asked him to fix me because I apparently have no clue how to write anymore.  He said it was coarse, which it is.  Honestly there's not a lot of art to it, it's just kind of raw emotions vomited onto a page.  Being the asshole that he is, he told me to rewrite it, and then did it himself.  Because he's a jerk and a thief, and made it way better.  I'm going to post both of them here, in the spirit of disclosure, so you all can see the horrible things I put on paper, and then what they would sound like if I had talent.  He took my raw bare stupid girl emotions, and made them sound nice.  Love him, enjoy these.

Red (original)

Let’s all play the rage game.
So fucking delicate, like porcelain on a swingset, nails on a chalkboard, trapped in a box, cliché cliché cliché.
I want to bash my head through a wall.  I gnaw on my own hands just to let some anger seep through my protective barrier and out into the world and back into me.  Out my mouth and through my fingers.
Ripping pieces of paper up into tiny strips is no longer satisfying me; I crave blood like an animal.  My inhalations come in hot and stifling.  My head thumps like a speaker, whub whub whub.
My ribs are locked closed with a chastity belt, I’m stuck and trapped, and oh my god help me let me out.

Red (Redo)

Let’s all play a game.
like hangman on the blackboard with a cocaine nail
drifting sweetly side to side
from a porcelain chain
trapped
in a box
my game.
my rage.

I put my head through the wall just to see the other side
and i bite my flesh to watch the blood flow.
something needs to permeate
because this hatred deeply seeps
my head throbs slowly with my heart
and these shallow breaths are short and incomplete.
I’m trapped alone
inside myself
and to shed this skin
from off my chest
no longer
calms the beast.
it’s life I crave,
Oh, God,
will nothing else suffice?