I guess the "not wanting to do anything" part might be why I failed all my classes last summer. Whoopsie. Anyhow, I'm feeling a bit depressed and a bit stressed out and a bit lonely, and betrayed and hurt and abandoned, and that is not conducive to good super-villain behavior. I need to feel powerful and indestructible and motherfucking shiny. Ironically, powerful me doesn't write well. Not that I write well no matter what, but that's beside the point.
So here's this thing I wrote a few years ago in the wintertime, that's partly about my lust for summer, and partly (shockingly enough) about a boy. I think. Honestly at this point I don't even remember which boy it was about, so he must have not been as important as my love affair with Texas summer. Or money. Or fame. Or power. Or caffeine.
Filmed in amazing technicolor
The sharp frigid wind whistles through trees and softly whispers, "I
love you." But the sentiment is, like always, not shared. I'd rather
have the abuse of the sun, beating down on me, pounding away at my flesh
until I'm a gooey pile of sweaty muck. The scarf choking my neck and
the heater in my car are my barriers, blocking the way for that old
lover in the night, the one that sneaks in my window and grazes my back
with his fingernails. My heart like a migraine expands in my chest
until it's pressing so hard against the walls that I feel like I might
explode, if only he would take another step to me. But it's not
possible, the night is only to be alone. No ripping off of clothes and
dancing naked in the moonlight, no passionate glances between the fog of
smoke that I exhale into the ever-growing space between us, no singing
with the grass. No little spaceheater lying beside me in bed and saying
beautiful things to me. No, the cold is for the loner. The ones that
have no shoulders and hips and thighs and soft little wristbones to kiss
under blankets. If only my brilliant sun would come back, abuse and
all. If only I could feel the heat of his love, the smell of chlorine
and rapidly warming beer and hot pavement and cheap plastic pool toys to
save me from this freezing lover that somehow only makes me feel
lukewarm.
